An Hour a Day
by Victoriaaaaa
Summary: She gives herself an hour a day to think about him Set post 3x13, and pre 4x01
1. Chapter 1

When they first went under Nick offered her some advice on how to survive this, he didn't mean getting the job done, and going home. He meant how to get through this next laps in time where she couldn't be with the one she loved.

Nick had done it with Gail, twice now. "_You give yourself an hour, an hour a day to let your mind be completely consumed by them, their laugh, smile, your favourite memories with them, the biggest fight you ever had. You let yourself feel for them again, and allow your mind to be removed from the job. It's the only way you can survive this without them. But you have to reeve that once that time is up you need to let go of them, or you'll be destroyed by your emotions. Okay?"_ He asked her, she nodded before getting up slowly and stepped out to their balcony of their apartment.

She let her breathing even out as she looked at the scenery that unraveled before her eyes. She hasn't really taken the time to stop and think how long she would be gone for, or what it would be like to not see him. Her heart ached at the thought of being away from him for longer than the time between the start and finish of a shift, or a night before seeing him dimply smile in parade, and hearing him say her name.

She realized in that moment that if she had thought about all of that, the time away, the space between them she would have never gone, sure she didn't want to be "_that girl"_ but she also **was** the girl that was madly in love with Sam Swarek, and she probably always would be. _How the hell am I going to do this?_ She thought as her eyes began to well with tears. She waited until she knew Nick would be asleep before returning back inside, she didn't want him to see her like this, break up buddy or not, he didn't need to worry about her head not being here on the job and not at home with Sam.

Opening the door, slowly walking back into the apartment. She looked at the clock that Nick had placed right about the stove, it read **11:49pm**, _alright_, she thought. _I have until 12:59 to allow myself to be that girl, that girl that would give up everything for a guy._ Looking around the room her eyes came across, her notebook, she had decided to document their time undercover. The typical stuff; progress in the case, characteristics of the guys, and details about shipments.

She sat on a bar stool, parked by the counter, reaching across the counter to the closet pen she flipped the notebook to a fresh page. Tapping her pen on to the paper she thought about what she should write, this was her one hour, and it was already **11:54,** she was wasting time.

She decided to write a letter, to Sam. Placing the pen to paper she just wrote.

_Sam, _  
_I'm sitting here and all I can do is think of you, the last look you gave me before I left, how you would poke fun at me about my allergy to silence on our way up to Sudbury and then I think __that I'm not going to have you around to poke fun at me while I'm under and as weird as this sounds it terrifies me to think about not seeing you everyday, __seeing you laugh and flashing those dimples, just being in your protective atmosphere scares the hell out of me. _

_I know you probably really confused and mad that I didn't show up the other night, but I need you to know that if this opportunity wasn't placed in my lap I would have been __there, just for a drink, to see if this, us could work again. Because as I sit here, there's nothing more I want than to go home and see if we can work again but I __couldn't be that girl. I needed to take this time to learn about who I am, and try to find the Andy who could be function without Sam because at home I was doing a terrible job._

_And I know if you every read this you'll probably roll your eyes at me saying but I couldn't be that girl that puts her entire life on hold for a __guy, I did it once with Luke and I refuse to do it again. I want to be the girl that has someone that goes through life with her, encourages to take opportunities __like this to better themselves, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you're not that type of person but I just knew that if I walked into that bar, I wouldn't of __left, and then what if we didn't work out again, I would be that girl._

_So, I guess I'm writing this because I wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and write down a bunch of what if's but I'm sorry I didn't show up, I'm sorry if you feel like I didn't want this, us again because I do God believe me Sam, I do. I think the only thing that is going to get me through this is knowing that when I get home we're going to have that drink. And I guess I'll let you take out my garbage, all the way down the hall, and you can definitely make me dinner because as you know I'm not exactly Martha Stewart. As for the dog, we'll talk about it after a few drinks. _

She glanced up at the clock at she shook her wrist, **12:32. **

_As for what I said, I can't do this anymore, what I meant was I can't do this limbo thing we've been doing for the past 3 years, I need to find stable grounds with us, and know that when life gets tough you're not going to shut down again, and walk away. Because honestly Sam, my heart can't take it. It can't take watching you walk away again, I did it before and I don't know how I got through it, actually I don't think I did get through it because I'm sitting here writing to you, when I should be in character as Nick's girlfriend, anyways, I just wanted you to know that I love you too, I think I always have even since we had our first fight after your cover was blown, and I'm almost positive I always will love you Sam. _

She felt her eyes, start to pool with tears again.

_I'll be home soon. _

_-Andy._

She let out a huge sigh, looking down at the notebook she realized how much she had written, in a way she felt like it was a bit jumbly, but it was how she felt. Looks in one of the many drawers in the kitchen she found an envelope, tearing out her pages written to Sam she folded them up nicely and placed them in the envelope, and sealed it. Writing a number one in the top left corner, on the front of the envelope marking her first letter to Sam. She looked back up at the clock, 12:59, _and just like that my hour is up._ She thought as she hid the envelope in a drawer, walked over to the couch and soon surrendering to the need for sleep.

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Should I continue? Let me know! Thanks:)


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry, for the lack of updates, school started! But that also means my procrastinating will come in handy! Enjoy.

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It never got easier. She didn't know if it was her, or her heart. She could never let go of him, let go of Sam. He was on her mind, in little ways, if Nick offered the option of going to a diner for dinner, her mind wondered to the time when they went to Sudbury on a prisoner transport. Or when she lost her cell phone, and she tore apart the apartment, only for Nick to walk out from the washroom and handed it to her, her brain throwing her back to the day Sam gave her phone back from that sweet old Lady that had to call her daughter and let her know she needed help. He was always there, in a not so far corner of her mind, but she never allowed herself to truly think about him, only for the hour a day. It was the little things that reminded her of him, and how much she cared for him.

"_So, hows it going?_" He asked her, as he shuffled over to the fridge looking for milk to add to his cereal.

At first she was confused, _how's what going?_ She thought, he was with her all day, every day and they had gone through the same things everyday, "_Oh, you know the same old, same old, I got up this morning went for a run, came home, had a shower, now I'm to have some breakfast, maybe do some work on bringing down a meth ring, how about you?_" She finished, and gave him a sarcastic smile.

_"Andy, although that was a mind-blowing story you just told, that wasn't what I was asking._" He didn't want to bring it up, and she get all broke again, he could see it in her eyes ever since they got here, it would be little things, when ever he brought up the diner down the street, or when he found her cell phone, he didn't know but she had this look in her eye where she wasn't here, her mind was somewhere else, and when she finally snapped out of it, she looked a little sad. He didn't want her to be sad, that was the last thing he wanted. "_How are things going, without Swarek?_" He looked at her, awaiting a response, he was nervous, he couldn't handle it if he shut him out complete, if they went about the next how-ever-many months, in this awkward, I-don't-like-you phase. As terrible as it sounds, in a way he hoped she would cry, he could handle crying, tears, a runny nose, but he couldn't handle her abandoning him; emotionally, they were all each other had.

As he spoke, her mind began to race, "_Nick, I did this before we left, he broke up with me before we left, I got up and moved on with my life and now I'm here._" She was lying, it was hard, she didn't know what was worse, seeing him everyday and knowing that they weren't together anymore, or not seeing him everyday. "_I mean, yes, I wish we could have worked things out but uhh, you know how there's that one person that you would do anything to be with, like and I mean anything, but faith has other plans, and finally when you do get to be with that person it's everything you imagined but faith has other plans... Well, that's me and Sam._"

After she spoke, he dropped it for now, they finished breakfast, and did a little work on bringing down a meth ring.

Later that night, Nick had decided to go to bed early, and Andy opted to stay up and write to Sam.

_Sam, _

_Well, it's been awhile since and I don't know what to do anymore? I mean I left because I couldn't be that girl anymore, it hurt too much. Seeing you and _

_knowing __that we could make it work sucked. I guess it hurt so much because I knew we made it work their for a bit, but then Jerry, and you broke up with me, _

_you shut __me out completely, and all I wanted was to make it work, I wanted to help you through this. I knew you were grieving and we all grieve in our own _

_ways, but the __last thing I wanted you to was shut me out, I loved you Sam, and standing in that parking lot, you broke my heart completely. And maybe in a way _

_I took this job because I couldn't be around you anymore, but the night before I left you decided to tell me that you wanted to make this to work and Sam, I'm _

_sorry that I couldn't be there to meet you but for the first time in the last couple months I put me ahead of you, I spent so much time thinking about what you _

_wanted or, spending time with you, or just being around you, that like you said, we aren't the same person, and I needed to put my future in front of you. I hope _

_you don't hate me because of it. I just wanted you to know that I was scared, I was scared to jump into this, into us again and get my heart broke like before, _

_because it nearly killed me, and I was scared to be vulnerable with you, I was so open with you, with my feelings and you shut me out, you walked out of my _

_life. _

Lifting her pen from the paper, she stopped, her breathing had gone shaky, her eyes blurry with tears.

_Even though all this has happened, all this emotionally stuff, Sam, I wouldn't give it up for the world, and apart of me hopes that I'll be undercover, and you'll _

_blow my cover, tackle me in an alley and try to kiss me, _

She paused and lightly smiled at the thought of their first encounter.

_Don't have too much fun while I'm gone,_

_-Andy_

She folded the paper like she had every night since she got their, gentle put it in the envelope and put Sam's name on the front, with a number 12 on the top right corner. She realized that it had been 12 days, 12 days without him, 12 days of being without him,_ how am I going to get through this?_ She thought. _I thought Nick said that an hour a day helped, but I just wish that the hour goes by painfully slowly_. For her it felt like the hour she had, flew by and all the others passed by at turtle speed, unfortunately for her.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Sorry for the lack of updates, I just lost my inspiration for this one but I think I got my grove back!_**

**_Shorter but hey it's something right?_**

**_Enjoy, sorry for any and all grammatical errors!_**

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_It had been awhile, for a lot of things. _

_It had been a long time since she had seen his face, for him to rise his eyebrows and jaw drop when she said something that completely floored him, like the day she told him she loved him, his face was perfect, surprised and happy, he didn't have to say it his face said it all. _

_Just thinking about that moment made her smile, a full smile at that, the ones that make your face hurt._

_God, she missed him._

_Vv_

He was looking, more of like a mission really, he was in desperate need of an envelope, he put the names of all the people they came in contact with on a list, business cards and other pieces of identification all there, and the only logical place to hold all of that was an envelope.

"_Andy?! Have you seen the box of envelopes that I got a couple of weeks ago?"_ He called out from the kitchen. She was in the washroom, getting ready, doing her hair actually.

"_Where the hell could have 50 envelopes ran off to?_" He muttered to himself, in disbelief he couldn't find them.

He had already practically torn apart all the drawers that could have potentially held what he was looking for.

"Drawer with the pens?" She yelled from her spot.

He shook his head, he had made a plan in the mess he'd made. All the drawers he had already dug through he left slightly opened. A mental indicator that they were not there. "Nope, checked there already; twice actually." He said laughing to himself.

Finding everything but what he needed, it was hard to believe the amount of crap that they had accumulated in the time they had been there.

At one point he was just going to stop the search and be content that he found a bouncy ball, from the time they went to the movies, and she made up her mind as they exited the theater that she had to have one.

Marching over to one of those dispensing machines, she pulling a loonie from her purse, twisted and he watched as her eyes lit up with excitement.

_"Uhhh, let me think? Did you check the drawer, beside the oven?"_ She called back at him, putting her curling iron down to assist with the desperate search.

_"No, give me a sec,_" He walked over to the drawer, opening it he found the box, with only a few left.

He opened the drawer beneath it and found the real reason why there was only a few left. As he did Andy walked into the cozy kitchen, awaiting his answer.

_"What the hell is this?_" He asked, back facing her.

_"I don't know, I can't see through you? My x-ray vision hasn't come in yet."_ She said jokingly as she took a seat on the bar stool.

He turned and she saw what he was talking about, he had her letters; her letters to Sam. Her mouth fell open slightly, before she caught herself.

_"Andy, what the hell?_" He questioned, he had been very honest with her when they first got here, telling her how to handle all of this. He assumed she was taking it well considering she never talked about it, about him, ever.

But looking down at the few letters in his hand that only represented a small portion of what she had written.

_"What is what?_" She asked him, too nervous to actually look him in the eye.

_"Uh this?!_" He said waving the sealed envelopes around, "_What the hell is this, why have you been doing this?_" He asked again.

She could hear the anger in his voice as the words left his lips, what she couldn't understand was why he cared so much? Whether she wrote to Sam or not, either was she was dealing with it, like he told her to.

And now she had to sit there and get yelled.

_"They're letters Nick?_" She said bluntly.

_"Okay, why have you been writing letters, you can't contact anyone from home? You know that!_" He was getting annoyed at her lack of respect for the rules, which clearly stated you leave your old life behind, no phone calls, text messages, nothing.

_"Do you know how much trouble we both could get in for this?!_"

Rolling her eyes, "_Do you really think I'd be that dumb? To send letters home?_" She stood up out of her seat so they could be on a level playing field. Not one person yelling at another who was just sitting there.

_"Well Andy I've got sign, sealed letters addressed to Swarek of all freaking people and you're going to stand there and tell me that you're noting sending stuff home?_" He was questioning her ability to handle this, all of it. Was she able to be under, and put her life at home on pause to get the job done?

"_You'd risk this, for a guy who dumped you in a parking lot?_" He added.

She couldn't believe he was saying this right now, he had no right to make judgement on what she did.

_"Nick, what are you saying?"_ She asked sternly. Not really caring to hear what he had to say.

_"What I'm saying is are you in this? All in? Because if not Andy tell me know, before something happens. I can call Blackstone, he can pull you, I'll tell the guys we hit a rough patch, broke up. Andy, I left everything, everyone behind I cared about for this opportunity..."_ He paused, to allow himself to breathe.

_"And I didn't?!_" She understood Nick gave up his relationship with Gail to be here, but she left Sam too.

She didn't meet him at the Penny like he begged her today, he offered her everything she had every wanted from him, they could have gotten it right this time but she didn't want to risk it, she didn't want to be that girl.

So yes, she gave up a lot too, possibly her last chance with Sam.

_"Do you really think I would jeopardize everything we've build here to send letters home?_" She paused.

He said nothing, just looked at her.

_"Do you honestly think I'd do that?"_ She asked him again.

He thought she did, he knew how much of a mess she was after her and Swarek split. But he also knew that she loved her job, and she was a damn good cop. But she had put Swarek ahead of her job more than once.

"_Nick?_"

_"I don't know okay? I hope to god not but he has this hold on you, you haven't seen him in months and he's on your mind. And._."

She cut him off, "_I'm doing what **you** told me to do! I'm taking your advice on how to get through this because guess what?! Yes I miss Sam, I miss him more and more everyday and I can do absolutely nothing about it, I can't see him, I can't talk to him, and clearly I sure as hell can't talk to you about him. So every night before I go to I give myself an hour just to miss him. Miss his smile, his laugh, his need to control every situation, because if I didn't I don't know how long I would of been able to do this. I'm trying okay?"_ She said, as the tears filled her eyes.

_"Andy..."_ He said softly, stepping closer.

For every step he took towards her, she took one back.

_"Don't. And to answer my own question, no, I've never sent one of those letter."_

And that was it, the last meaningful conversation they had.

The assignment lasted a few more weeks then they were back home to deal with the lives they left behind.

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**Yay or Nay?**

**Let me know!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Trying to update all my stories, last night I uploaded a new chapter to These Are The Best Years, if you read that one!**

**I apologize for all grammer mistakes, I'm losing steam with this story so if anyone could give me some ideas it would be greatly appreciated! **

**Enjoy!**

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Somewhere between her the operation being made, and walking the halls of 15 Division for the first time in months Andy found herself in her semi empty apartment, alone.

"Traci!" She called for the first time in a long time, it felt right. She had really missed her best friend

"Hey ! You're here!" Traci said pulling her best friend into a bear hug, "Missed you."

"Missed you too." She said with a smile on her face.

Allowing their quick embrace to end, "Andy..." Traci said, she could tell her best friend really wanted to see someone else.

She gave her a look, without a word, Traci just knew, "I think he's in the kitchen."

She didn't really know what to do, what was going to happen when she connected with him again, eye to eye.

Without thinking she made her way to the kitchen, she wasn't expecting a warm welcome home but she also wasn't expecting to see him kissing someone else, someone who wasn't her. And it hurt.

If it wasn't for the letters that she wrote she would have lost herself while she was under, he was the light at the end of a really, really dark tunnel. And now here she was looking at the one person she wanted to be with in the whole world, kissing someone else.

She didn't recognize the girl, she had dark hair, and it was in this weird braid bun thing, in a way it hurt more knowing she didn't know who was on the receiving end of his kiss, because that meant she was new in his life, within the last 6 months.

_"You know that we were together almost a year and he never told her once how he felt about me," She was having one of those days that consisted of her being angry at Sam, after the break-up, one of her shifts she was paired with Nick, and she just needed to vent to someone with ears. _

_"Some guys are just "too cool" for feelings," Nick had been in Sam's shoes before running out when things got tough, expect Nick's idea of running was leaving Gail at the alter, and enlisting in the military but that wasn't the point._

_"Well you know what that but it's getting a little thin for the rest of us who are working really hard trying to figure out what the hell you thinking!" She just wanted him to open up, and be present._

It wasn't long after Andy snapped out of her stroll down memory lane, that the girl walked away from Sam, going in the opposite direction of Andy. Which left Sam's eyes to wonder to the door, and Andy standing there; mouth cracked open, shaking her head slightly.

Part of him wanted to justify his actions, tell her that she was the one that left him, what was he suppose to do? Sit there and wait for her to come home, after disappearing in the middle of the night? After he told her how he felt and begged for another chance, telling her he_ loved_ her.

He knew by waiting for her, he opened himself up to the chance of her coming back and realizing that she didn't want to be with him. That what they had was in the past, and maybe it wasn't meant to be.

As he watched her unsure what move to make next, Collins and Blackstone had gotten her attention and now she was walking away from him.

And all he could do was watch.

So there she was, home for less than an hour and nothing was what she expected, Sam was with someone else.

She couldn't understand how, how someone that had been an anchor for her to get throw the opt. If it wasn't for Sam and those letters she knew that she may have lost herself. But no matter what she had that time, that hour where she wrote what she felt, sometimes it was sad, or anger driven but none the less he still helped her get threw it.

Unable to sit and wallow in her own self-made pity she decided to go for a run, hoping it would clear her head.

Luckily for her, she had an abundance of track pants and tees that she could wear until her laundry from all her clothes from under were clean.

Lacing her runners she made the decision to leave her phone at home, everyone who knew she was home would probably assume she was sleeping after the day she had, so there was no need to bring it, and besides she liked running without music.

Walking out of her front door normally she would debate where to run to, how long to run for but tonight was different she just went with it. She didn't know where she was running too or when she'd be back but she did know that for the next little while she was going to attempt to shut her brain off.

_xxx_

Nick Collins had never really been a fan of Sam Swarek, but he also didn't have anything against him either. He was just a guy who loved his job, he colour outside of the lines more than Nick would but Swarek was good police.

His opinion of Swarek changed as he was under,being able to see how his actions effect Andy so deeply. Seeing that light in her eye fade when a memory of Sam split out of her mouth, knowing that she spent an hour a day writing letters to Swarek, and hearing her put the pen down on the counter, and let out a shaky breath.

That was the worst, hearing her quietly breakdown, and not being able to help.

He didn't know why he felt the need to talk to Swarek abut anything personal let alone Andy, but those arguments that they had about the letters made Nick realize something; she still cared.

She wouldn't have fought so hard about them, she wouldn't have kept them so close to her if she didn't. Not that he was an expert on Andy McNally but he did know that Sam Swarek had an incredible hold over her, it was how she conducted herself, little pieces of Sam would come through her, like her instance on writing her notes in a notebook instead of a computer because you can easily destroy paper but you can't wipe computers clean.

He did train her, and she could have easily start doing things her own way, she chose not too.

Why he felt this overwhelming need to tell Swarek about Andy was unknown to him, part of him knew that if he was in Swarek's shoes he would want to know. Know that there was still a chance to be with an amazing person like Andy.

Another part of him, a small part was extremely jealous that for months Andy was able to hold onto her feelings for Sam.

She wrote him letters knowing that they would never actually get to him, it was her way of keeping him close he assumed.

He had never read the letters, he knew where she kept them, he knew when she had just finished writing one. He never knew what they said but he did know what they meant to her. And if they meant that much to her than they would mean something to Sam.

Despite what he wanted and this small voice in the back of his head that told him he should be with Andy. It was easy, simple, not complicated, but when he was with Gail it was natural complicated with all the history between them. But he couldn't be selfish with her, he wanted her to be happy, and if that meant being with Sam then that's what he wanted for her.

The drive to the station felt like a matter of seconds, maybe it was because he was still trying to decide if this was the best idea; giving Sam the letters.

There was a chance that he could refuse to take them, and if he did, then it would crash Andy. She'd also most likely be mad at Nick for taking her personal letters and giving them to Sam. Or he could just keep them, but that would not only hurt her, Sam and eventually himself for keeping them.

Whether he liked it or not, his body had decided that he needed to give them to Sam and before he knew it, he was standing outside of the D's office, box of letters in hand, with Sam head down fully focused on his paperwork.

"Hey Swarek, do you uhh, have a minute?" He said, breaking Sam out of his train of thought.

"Yeah, but uh, Collins what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at your debrief or sleeping after the day you've had?" He put down his pen and looked at Collins, he looked tired and he was carrying a box for whatever reason.

"I just uhh.." he didn't know how to tell Sam what was going on, the reason behind his visit.

"You what Collins?" Sam was still confused on why he wanted to talk to him this last at night. Sam had been through a debriefing the night after you come home, and after your body comes down off the adrenaline high from taking down the mark, you become tired really quick.

"Just, uh here," He said putting the box down on Sam's desk, before turning around and heading for the door. "Oh and Sam?" He spat out quickly, turning around in the process.

"Yeah?"

"I really hope you care about her, and be there for her like she's always wanted because it's taking everything I have in me to let her go, I know I never had her but now I know I never will."

As quickly as Nick came in, he was gone leaving behind a box and some speech about caring about Andy.

And then there was this box, not scared just a little confused he took the lid off and looked inside.

There was a small pile of letters, that all read

_Sam Swarek_  
_1964 Dovercourt Rd_  
_Toronto, Ontario_  
_M6H 2X9_

"I need to get to her."

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**What did you think?**  
**Like I said above I'm losing steam with this story so if anyone could give me some ideas it would be greatly appreciated! **

**Comment and Reviews are adored! **


	5. Chapter 5

**I used the idea given from a review to insert pieces of the letters in their talk, hopefully you guys like it.**

**As always I apologize for any grammatical errors.**

**Enjoy!**

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_As weird as this sounds it terrifies me to think about not seeing you everyday, __seeing you laugh and flashing those dimples._

"Did you mean it?" Were the first words to come out of his mouth only seconds after she opened her front door from his abrupt knocks.

It was late by anyone's standards whether they worked a regular 9-5 or had just come back home from a six month long undercover opt.

She had gotten home from her run about an hour ago, she ran for as long as she could until her mind could no longer think about Sam, and that brunette he was with because it was too focused on her racing heart and her lungs rapidly working.

Reluctant to go back home where she knew all she was going to do was think, and then analysis what happened, then think some more, possible throw together some theories about everything but she knew she had to go home eventually.

As she walked threw her front door she immediately decided to talk a shower; a long one. Long enough for her finger tips to prune and the hot water to run cold.

While she was running, Sam was reading. And while she was putting her pajamas one, Sam was on his way to her place.

"Mean what?" She said, not a clue what he was talking about. After she had watched him kissed another woman she wanted space from him but at the same time she wanted answers.

She wanted to run as far as she could from him, she had spent the last 6 months hoping that when she got home they could, in someway pick up where they left off. And by picking up where they left off it was Sam wanting to try again, by making her dinner, taking out her garbage, and walking her hypothetical dog but then she came home to reality. She wanted to run because she realized how ridiculous is was to assume that everything at home would be on a standstill, but life goes on, Leo got older, Traci mourned Jerry, Gail spent 6 months pissed at Nick, and Sam, well Sam moved on with someone else.

But her heart wanted him to be as close to her as possible. Wanting him to fall asleep next to her, for her to wake up in the middle of the night and feel his arm tightly wrapped around his waist and then wake up in the morning to see his face looking so peaceful as he slept until the alarm clock went off.

"What you wrote, did you mean it?" He had spent the last two hours wrapping his mind around these letters, in that two hours he had gone to Marlo.

They talked, not for that long but long enough for both of them to agree that it was over, and it never really started. _"I could tell by the way you looked at her when that truck door was open that she was it for you, you had never looked at me that way, and I deserve someone to look at me that way."_ She told him right before he got into his truck and headed over to Andy's.

"Sam what are you talking about?" She had just gotten back, and she didn't leave or write anything to him before she left.

"The letters Andy. The ones you wrote while you were under. What you wrote did you mean it?" It never once occurred to Sam that he wasn't suppose to see those letters, that they were suppose to go away once the opt was over. That it was just how she got through it, just like he used Moby Dick on tape.

"Sam.." She shook her head not understanding what was happening, not that he had read them, that she had pieced together. But it was him standing in front of her demanding answers. "How did you get them?"

"Collins showed up at my desk with this box, gave me some vague talk and then left. The box had all these unsent letters addressed to me."

"You were never meant to read those." She said, cutting him off.

"Well I have, and you still haven't answered my question." He had never wanted answers more than he did in this moment, she was always in the back of his mind while she was away. Just little things that triggered his mind to go down memory lane.

_When I can't do this anymore, what I meant was I can't do this limbo thing we've been doing for the past 3 years, I need to find stable grounds with us, and know that when life gets tough you're not going to shut down again, and walk away._

"When I wrote all that stuff I was thinking that you'd would possible be here waiting it out for me, but after what I saw today I realized that you didn't wait. And you didn't have to, I never told you I was leaving, I was naive to think you'd wait, life goes on while your under, I should of known that." For once she didn't want to put the blame on their situation on and one or anything.

Life happens, people change, she knew that, but a small part of her hoped that he'd wait, he had before when she went up North after she blew his cover. But three months of waiting because they had too versus an unknown amount of time because of the opt.

"I did wait, I waited at the Black Penny until it closed that night, I sat at that bar and I waited for you. Every time that door opened, I looked to see if it was you. But you never showed up. And then you weren't at parade the next day or the day after that," He stopped and broke eye contact with her to look at the floor.

"And then I went to you place to see if something had happened, I remember knocking on your door and not knowing what I'd do if you answered. I didn't know if I'd just look at you to know that you were okay, or if I'd snap for how worried you made me, or if I'd just grab you and hold you in my arms just to make sure you were really there but you never answered. I went to Frank, we pieced it together that you had gone under." He had never talked about those couple of days, the worry and fear that had surrounded him.

"I'm sorry you had to go throw that, but you know the rules, you leave everything behind, no contact with anyone from home except your handler." She truly did feel bad, that he was that worried about her, but that's Sam, his protective ways that always made her feel safe.

_Apart of me hopes that I'll be undercover, and you'll blow my cover, tackle me in an alley and try to kiss me._

"Yeah, this coming from the girl who went to the Alpin Inn," He said quietly to himself.

"And what would you have done Sam? If you had gotten one of those letters in the mail what would you have done? Would you have written back? Would you have tried to come and find me? Or would you have just waited? Because I think you would have just left it, because reading one or all of those letters would mean that you'd have to face all of this, all the emotions and deal with everything that's happened between us." She realized she had risen her voice, she took a deep breathe, "I mean Sam you broke my heart."

He looked at her, he looked at Andy McNally. The one that tackled to the ground on her first day on the job, who got him to open up about his sister after she had lost and found their transport convict, the one who forgot it was her dad's birthday and in the last minutes of it showing up at her childhood home with party hats and apple flips, "Well you got me back." He said truthfully.

"Can I ask you something?" She said softly, wanting to take back what she had just asked.

He nodded.

"Why her?" When you see someone you love with someone else it hurts.

And you want to know why they chose someone else over you, you want to know what would have changed their minds. Are you not pretty enough? Smart enough? Good enough for their love? Most of the time you never get the chance to ask them why, but Andy saw an opportunity and took it.

Of all the things she could of asked, this floored him, she wanted to know about Marlo, she wanted to know about Marlo and Sam, as a couple. "She's, we get along, and she's smart and fun, it's not uhh, complicated."

He paused quickly and looked at her, the sadness that had washed over her face, "She's not you."

A smile came over her face, in a way it was nice that he couldn't replace her.

"Now, uhh, are you to answer my question?" He asked again.

"It doesn't matter now, you're with her now." Saying those words aloud felt like acid on her tongue, Sam being with anyone other than her would never feel right.

"It _does_ matter and I'm **not** with her anymore," He said with a sigh of relief.

"That doesn't change anything, thought, I mean it changes your relationship status but it doesn't change the fact that you found someone else, you were with someone else. Love doesn't just disappear." Of course she was relieved to know that he wasn't with that brunette anymore but there he still moved on. She was unsure how it was possible for him to move on from them so quickly but each person copes differently.

"You're right it doesn't, I didn't stop loving you when you didn't show up 6 months ago, there wasn't a moment while you were gone that I didn't love you but I didn't know how long you would be gone for and what was going to happen while you were under. So I started seeing someone but that doesn't mean I don't love you. It means that I was trying to fill a void in my life, a void that you left when you went under."

As terrible as it sounded Marlo was a distraction, a distraction to his broken heart, he needed something to make his days a little easier. But when he saw Andy again he realized that the ease with Marlo would never compare to anything he had with Andy.

"What are you saying, you don't know what would happen while I was under?" She initially wanted to question if he thought she'd sleep with Nick, but she used her rational side and calmly asked for clarification.

"Being under can become a dark place, and sometimes you just need to see the light again. And being under with someone who you know from home, who reminds you of home. Sometimes being with a piece of home is what you need to get through those times." He was being honest, he had gone to those dark places while being under, and you can lose yourself.

"The thing that kept me out of those dark places and times was you, writing to you." She could feel her eyes beginning to pool, but she fought off the tears. "Those letters, I gave myself an hour a day to write to you, and to feel you around me because if I didn't I wouldn't have survived."

"Does this mean you're going to answer my question?" He said, allowing a small smile to creep on to his face.

"Goddammit Sam, yes, of course I meant it, I love you, and I don't think I'll ever stop."

"I love you too McNally."

* * *

_I think this story has one more chapter left!_

_Comments and reviews are always appreciated!_


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